Unlike the past 2 years, i dont feel anxious at all for the coming exams.. Its not that i'm well prepared but i just feel so detached and uninterested, which i know i'm going to regret. I just cant wait to get a job and start working and earning money. A whole new stage of my life is awaiting and i just want to start preparing myself for it now.

Mom just came back from the states. She seems so happy and relaxed. It was crap that i had to break the bad news to her once she got back. It was like waking someone up from a beautiful dream.

I guess it be all over soon. Told my brother about the news, told him of what may be happening. Couldnt stop my voice from breaking. Wanted to tell him more, but i had to be brief. I didnt want my brother to hear me cry, didnt want him to worry about me. And besides, its expensive to be crying over a long distance call >.<

Afterwards, while telling dear about it.. it all sank in.. tears flowed without restraint and i bawled. I know it's the best thing for my mother. I dont want her to worry about that jerk anymore.

I cant help but feel a sense of loss. i know he is a jerk. I know he doesnt care. But he's my dad. We had so many happy memories together.

I remember the times when my dad would take pictures of my mom when she just got back from work. My mother would be smiling so radiantly.

I remember trying to listen for my dad's distinctive engine sound and would wait for him by the door.
I remember how he used to buy things to appease me when they went shopping for my brother's good-grades reward.

Its a love-hate relationship.. or rather hate + some hopes + some longing.

I often thought back about how i treated him when i still young and regretted my actions.
How i used to sulk when he wanted to take pictures of us when we went on holidays.
I would be impatient and tsked loudly when he forgot to take the camera cover off.
I was rude and never understood him properly.
He would buy things that we wanted. Toys from Disneyland. Clothes. Food. Watches. Precious moments figurines cos i loved them. I hardly remember him saying no to what we want to buy.

Now i would never have a chance to make things up to him, respect him properly. I havent seen him for the past 1 and a half years.. And even if he did come back, i cant and i dont know how to make myself forgive him for all the hurt he has put us through. Why is he forcing us to take such drastic actions?

How can he just drop everything and leave? Dont I mean anything to him? Dont my brother mean anything to him? Dont my mom mean anything to him at all?


I guess when i get married next year, I wont have a chance to offer him tea.

I'm sorry dad, for not being a good daughter last time. But i'm sorrier that u will never get to see me as i am now.